Goiterzan/Amygdalai Lama<p>Honestly, I'm not sure if it's the Grave's, getting worse with age, or getting worse with long COVID, or if it's the "normal," CFS from long COVID, but my whole sense of functionality disappears after any exertion at all.<br>.<br>Something about this relates to Autism.<br>I walked across the street today, it's a mall, like a megastore strip mall, so everything's big, it's just across the road but it's a 2km walk to pick something up, from box store to box store, past a few to reach the small stores.<br>.<br>So, I'm trying to avoid activating the Grave's trying not to exert myself and run out of whatever runs out, the opposite of thyroid hormone, I think, so I'm trying to walk old man slow, not get my breathing or my heart rate up - but I lose some race and already I'm not thinking straight and I keep forgetting and catching myself biting down and fighting through something to walk at a normal pace, you know, pushing through.<br>.<br>And I'm remembering I was proud of this trait, give me a hike, and I could just bite down and keep pumping those legs, get to the top of that hill or whatever, despite the sweating and the feeling . . . I can't say I remember the symptoms early, like at summer camp, teen years, only the sweat, but I know there was nausea, etc., through my forties, on the golf course, or at work.<br>.<br>But I'm thinking it's like masking, masking my illness forever. I'm not sure most people need all that drama just to keep walking. Just a metaphor, really. I'm starting to see that sometimes you need a lot of thought and therapy just to realize you're in pain, like a lot of my life is about being generally miserable, but I'm starting to think there's just always pain, but when it's always there, it's normal or something.<br>.<br>I'm constantly performing pain to no-one, grimacing and moaning, and I think of it as emotional pain, but . . . <br>.<br>The Autistic bit at last, sorry:<br>.<br>Autistic, "sitting strangely," and "odd positions" - I think of it as just me and the rare crime of my birth, but all my weird positions and all my being super particular about chairs and mattresses and pillows - that's about pain for me. I sit in your chair for an hour, I might get a kink somewhere that plagues me for days or weeks, same with the bed and the pillows.<br>.<br>Maybe I got the T-baby thing AND some plain old , I know we hate the word, comorbidities. But this idea about pain, including pain we manage not to be aware of, I bet it's connected to us and our weird furniture needs.<br>.<br>Sorry for going on so. 💜 <br>.<br><a href="https://autistics.life/tags/ActuallyAutistic" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>ActuallyAutistic</span></a> <br><a href="https://autistics.life/tags/actuallyautistic" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>actuallyautistic</span></a> <br><a href="https://autistics.life/tags/autismacceptance" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">#<span>autismacceptance</span></a></p>